How to Handle "Mom-Shaming" for sleep Training

Being a mom these days means being subjected to a hundred opinions and options about every aspect of parenting. Especially with social media, we may experience judgement, criticism, comparison, unsolicited advice, or "mom shaming" on how we raise our kids, how we deliver our babies, how we feed our babies, the things we do or don't do with our babies, and for sleep training. I've seen other moms go as far as accusing moms of child abuse for sleep training. Not only is this completely ridiculous and untrue, but it is a very harmful mentality and accusation. So you're exhausted. You're desperate. You decide to sleep train your baby. What do you do when you hear negativity and judgement from family, friends, neighbors, or strangers on social media?

1. You do what works for you. The amazing thing about being a parent is -- we can all choose how we want to raise our own kids! You are the parent of your child, and you have the freedom to parent and raise them how you feel is best. If what you're doing is working for you, GO FOR IT! No one HAS to sleep train their child. As long as kids are safe, there are a lot of different ways of parenting, and that doesn't make one person's ways RIGHT and another person's WRONG. They are just different. And that's ok! Embrace it. Remind others that they are free to parent their kids however they want, and you'll do the same. It's ok to say "If you don't want to sleep train your baby, you don't have to."  

2. Stand your ground with confidence. You do what's right for you and your family. If sleep deprivation (which can be a major health risk and mental health risk for parents) isn't working for you, and if your baby is fussy and not content because they aren't getting enough sleep, and you choose to sleep train - be confident in your decision. Let the haters' comments roll off. Don't let the comments of others make you feel guilty or shameful for doing what's right for you and your family. If someone mom-shames you for sleep training your baby, it's ok to ignore them or even tell them "I'm doing what's best for my family." 

3. Lift up other moms. We are all trying our best. We're all doing what we feel is right. We are all struggling and tired. We're in this together. Let's lift each other up, encourage each other, and embrace the fact that we're all different, and that's ok. Be an advocate for supporting and cheering each other on. 

4. Don't engage in debates, but do provide facts and truth. Sleep training is not abuse. It is not harmful in any way for babies. Despite what some people think, there are actually no studies or research that proves sleep training harms babies (emotionally OR physically) in any way. In fact, the only studies that have been done on it have shown no negative affects in the short term OR long term. I've seen articles shared on social media that claim to provide "facts" and evidence that support the notion that sleep training harms babies. I've read them. They are filled with opinions. Don't confuse opinions with actual science and facts. There aren't any studies that prove sleep training hurts babies. 

FACTS

• Crying doesn't hurt babies. Whether you choose to use a "cry method" of sleep training or not, just know that crying is a natural form of protest and it doesn't hurt babies or their attachment to their parents. Check out this article with studies about crying and sleep training.
• Sleep training isn't harmful for babies and toddlers. It benefits them in many ways, because sleep is a very important biological need for babies and toddlers. But it's not a natural skill. It needs to be taught. Good sleep boosts their immunity and health, improves their mood, and helps them grow and develop properly. Check out this scientific study about sleep training. 
• Sleep training is important for PARENTS. Sleep deprivation poses very real risks for parents. The 2018 movie "Tully" (*SPOILER ALERT) depicts a new mom whose sleep-deprivation led to hallucinations and postpartum depression and mental health issues. Not only is adequate sleep important for parents, but it's healthy for parents to have time at the end of the day to unwind and get things done, and it can benefit marriages when couples have time together (and their bed back to themselves!). 
• The short-term stress of crying during the initial part of sleep training isn't harmful for babies. 
• Sleep training doesn't have to involve an insane amount of crying. There are gentle methods, and there are ways to minimize the crying. It doesn't always mean leaving your baby alone. There will likely be at least some amount of crying involved in any kind of sleep training, but it's usually not as "bad" as people think it's going to be. Most of my clients would say there was FAR less crying than they imagined. 
• Sleep training doesn't hurt the baby's relationship or trust with the parent. Babies who are sleep trained are just as close with their parents and have a strong bond,  attachment, and trust with their parents. It won't make your baby hate you, I promise.
• Sleep training can start at any age, and it doesn't have to involved forced night weaning. I started "sleep training" or >> teaching my babies health sleep habits << from day one, right when they were born. I didn't have to leave them to cry, because they didn't have to "unlearn" any habits or sleep associations. I didn't force night weaning for either of them. They both dropped night feedings all on their own and were sleeping 12 hours straight both before 12 weeks old (both exclusively breastfed). There isn't a minimum or maximum age for sleep training, and sleep training doesn't have to mean cutting all night feeds. You can sleep train and keep night feedings. 

Sleep training was the best decision I made when my babies were infants. They were both happy, content, and well-rested, and I was happy and well-rested too. Long-term sleep deprivation can suck the life out of a parent, and getting enough sleep can literally be life-changing. If you are sleep training and someone tries to make you feel bad about it or throw shade, let it roll off. Don't throw stones back; throw kindness back at them -- they may be speaking out of their own insecurities. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for doing what's right for your family.